thoughts

I'm thinking about how I used to be so in love with Dee, and I'm wondering if we ever met up and became friends would those feelings return?  I'm sad, because ...I don't know.  I know we loved each other.  And I wonder if I will ever experience those kinds of feelings again.  I'm not sure, there was such an innocence in me at the time, I was young and that was part of it.  I just haven't.  It's so rare and precious.  Really, really precious.  I told her in a dream once that I loved her, maybe even said I loved you so much.  But there was the "d" at the end, meaning it was in my past, a memory.  Every time I saw her my heart would light up.  And sometimes I still seek her out online to keep tabs on her.  She has a son and a great life, I know, I'm happy for her.  I want her to be happy and I don't think how I am right now would attract her (being fat and lousy haircut lol).  We just connected as beings.  But I was so in love, years and years and not even in a relationship with her, just in my head and heart I guess.  No one can understand it, but it was very real to me.  I just loved her.  I don't know why it's making me cry now, I haven't thought about her in a long, long time.  It turns out we share a lot of common interests that I hadn't realized.  Before I thought she was more woo-woo than me, and now I see it as just the truth and the rest of the world is a little blind and misguided.  She's a lovely person and I wish her well.

I wonder if Tawkify will turn up anything.  If I can save enough for it, it might be an option.

There is always them, lol, I don't even know how to say it, but the real love I felt and knew when I ran in SF.

Gonna work more on lucidity, I feel I can begin to get answers that way.

It's too bad my foot is so hurt.  I can't get the exercise I want.  I'm glad my bike is coming on Wednesday.  Then at least I can exercise.

Typical of me, I am jumping into learning guitar with the aim of eventually being able to write songs.  Not sure if you have to have a wonderful voice and range to write songs, but I'll do what I can.  My voice isn't that awful.  :)

I'm up early today.  I'm going to cook a bunch.  We have the plumber coming, thank goodness.

I also want to paint and also finish up Milagros.  I should probably finish up Milagros but honestly I'd rather paint.

I'm lucky and grateful to have my friends and family.  I regret my mistakes in the past, all of them, but gonna be positive and excited about the future.

I feel like I have to finish client work before I can work on Skillcrush.  I'm not sure I want to be employed as a Visual Designer since I'm not into full-time work schedules, for Most jobs, but probably not all.  Not cheap, just the truth.  There are definitely jobs out there that I'd love to work full time on, but they are the ones that feel like play.  I've worked full time and even more than full time for a lot of my life, I started working young, and I want room to play and be creative and suck the most out of life now.  I don't think it would be wise to lock myself into a full-time dredge kind of work where it's all about the stability but never any self-expression, growth, or fun (or not enough of it).  I want my work to be a contribution to the world and also a creative expression of me, and in service to humanity.  But I'd probably be good at Visual Design, and might enough it a lot if I get into it.  It would support me and probably have good benefits, but there are other ways to support myself, and I'm willing to live cheap, and build up my own business of some sort.  I find that exciting.  Anyway, I need to make more money to invest and create a cushion but I'm not going to worry about it too much just yet.  I'm going to work hard on myself and trust the right thing will either come my way or I'll create it.

I better get cooking.  I'd like to meet my guides - them, those helping me I can hear, sense, and play with.  They know the big picture more than I do although I can remember and also be humble and learn from them.  Funny how bad I was socially.  I just do not know what to say about it.  That's why I always end up in the mental hospitals.  Alas.  Not a biggie to me, actually, just a part of life and a place where I usually can get back to life in a more productive way.

I'm going to think over what I'm grateful for and just get to work.  Action gets stuff done, not dreaming about it.

I want to cook a bunch so I always have healthy options.  Really can't wait for my bike.  I should also look up those car bike racks.  Maybe call the Helium one, or Public and see what they say about it.

just want to boost myself up

 There's a lot I'm trying to do but I know I'll get it done.  I'm just going to keep working at it and making time for the things I want to do.  I have to remember I have the luxury of time that a LOT of people do not have.  I need to make the most of it.  I need to work out what my priorities are.

Healing foot

Losing weight and getting healthy

Being able to run again

Being lucid and conscious

Taking care of my mom

Progressing inside

Getting more skilled as a visual designer

Understanding my path

Doing rather than dreaming

Having a tidy minimal type room and bathroom and then entire house

Daily OM foot course

 I came across a foot and ankle course through Daily OM and I can't believe how good it is.  I think this is going to solve my foot pain issues.

I think I need about 2 hours just to do the exercises.  I need to schedule my time better so I don't waste it:

1. 1-2 hours foot exercises

2. 1-4 hours CDP + exercises

3. 1 hour Portuguese

4. FWSF / Milagros work

VELO and life

 I've been having problems with VELO.  Usually it's my foot pain that distracts me.  Or else Melody.  Or else I'm too sleepy.  When I quiet my mind and make space for peace I get thoughts and hear things instead of silence.   I need to keep focusing back on my sensations and not try to imagine anything.  I remember how Beth was.  I felt like a kindergartner.

My last dreams have been sad.

I hate thinking who I am or my emotions or anything like that is something that others can control.  I shouldn't be that way.

That's why I really want and need to get good at VELO and at what CDP is teaching.  I think over time I will learn, a lot, hopefully.

I miss days when I could hang out at Starbucks and try to write, or read, or whatever.  Everything feels too loaded now.  Not to mention the horrors of the pandemic.

If I could run, I would try that.  It's been so rainy though.

I don't know what to make of everything.  I don't know the Why I guess, behind it all.  I don't understand.

I need to get better control of my money.  I need to stop spending money.  I have for the most part, but it just seems I'm constantly spending or spending a lot.  What I mean is I want to keep in budget.  I hate being over extended.

I should go on a spending freeze.

Every time I try VELO I have trouble.  Foot hurting, sleepiness, cat interruptions, mind drifting.  This is ridiculous.  I need to get it done.

Learning VELO

 I read my last post before this latest experience.  WOW.  I was not expecting what happened to happen.

At least it has made me much more serious about CDP.  I have started it (again) and am trying to actually apply what I am learning.

It's hard now though because my foot is hurt and it's a big distraction when I'm trying to relax.

It seems we have another cat.  Sylvia won't let me pet her too much.  I think I am too impatient about it.

I want to do VELO and get good at it.  It's really hard when my foot aches though.

I NEED TO STAY OFF MY FOOT.  STAY OFF IT.  NO WALKING.  NO DOING STUFF.  This is really, really hard to do.

I wonder if those who I felt could sense or read some of my mind can read this private blog?

I still am trying to put together all that happened.

I want to keep trying to be positive and loving.  The world has enough negativity without me contributing more.  I messed up and I'm sorry but I'm done with putting out that energy.  It's all based on fear and I need to learn how to squash it out of me.  I hate that.  I really, really hated it.

I do feel now though... a sense of freedom or like new beginnings.  Because how much worse can it get?

I think about them and I wonder...I don't know how to meet them really.  Not yet.  That's why I think I need more CDP courses and to get somewhere with that.

In the mean time I am also going to get healthy.  I also need to heal my foot.

I don't know how to explain this to anyone, not even the closest friend can understand, only those who are part of it, I guess.

I don't even know what to explain...

Melody can't relax when Sylvia's around.  Somewhat.

My focus has not been where it was before this.  I have a renewed strength, commitment, desire, I don't know what it is.

I just can't run :(

I'll try to look at all the positives.

I really need to STAY OFF MY FOOT.  It's surprisingly difficult.  It really is.  I put up with the pain and then it becomes unbearable all of a sudden and my left knee starts hurting too (shuffling I think).  So I will STAY OFF FOOT.  STAY OFF OF IT.  NO MORE DOING STUFF.  I will stay off of it.  let it heal.  Let it heal.  Only way to go.  No more pain, no more pain, gotta let it heal.  Heal the heel.  Lol.

Anyway, I might be able to VELO now.  I'll try.

What's Going On Lately

 I have been watching a lot of YouTube videos about near death experiences, and then moved on to channeled angels and things like that.  Apparently this is a period called Ascension and my own life experiences with spirituality makes this make sense to me.

I still need to get a handle on life stuff - caring for mom and dad and cats and family, friends, and just the work - being on top of it and not so far behind.

I remember being a person who was full of joy and laughter and I want to return to that.  I'm not exactly sure what all happened.  I'm lucky to have been raised in a family with a lot of love.  Particularly by my mom and family.

I'm also lucky to have had the experiences I've had.  It's dawning on me that I created them, whether from my soul without my conscious knowing or bungling some of it up on my own consciously and subconsciously.

I want to get my life in order enough to have some structure in my days to pursue all these classes, lessons, interviews, and readings which I'm attracted to but only dabble in because it feels like I never have enough time.

I also feel more serous about getting healthier.  Vegan, whole plant foods, and juicing.  Walking and rebounding.  Dancing and feeling and spreading joy to many.

I want to use my talents and skills to help the world.  There are so many who are owning their spiritual journeys and letting them guide them into their life's purpose - and I want to do that too.

Melody is a gift I'm grateful for.  She's an adorable love bundle just as she is.

I want to get this house beautiful, connect better with my dad, care well for my mom and help her get healthier and stronger.  I'm hoping she'll make it out of the hospital.  I regret not doing more to encourage her to exercise, to switch to plant-based broth with her rice soup.

I can hear them faintly now, and do feel I am somehow connected to them, they watch over me and I matter to them.  I regret not doing more when I was younger to have a bigger impact in the world.  At one time I had larger dreams.  Perhaps with time they will grow again and I can have a great and good impact.

I should probably get some sleep.  Sending love to my mom in the hospital, my dad upstairs, my cat and the garden and stray cats, Louis and children, and all my friends and family.

Focusing on myself, here's what I want to change:

- not be so late with work any more

- get enough sleep

- care for mom and dad better

- care for the cats better so they don't have a long wait

- be a better communicator with patience and kindness and good listening

- start meditating

- start my courses

- eat whole food vegan plant-based and juice

Why would I lose my voice and those who took it laugh?  When can I get it back?  What does this mean?  It seems hard to get answers to this.

I want to know more about those who have talked to and with me.  Those I can hear even now.  I feel they are good.

I also want to know more about myself, my family and friends, and my soul family.

There's just a lot I want to know.

latest happenings

 I forgot I had this blog.  My mom came home from the hospital / Creekside skilled nursing Friday.  It's been a whirlwind since.  Still so much to tidy and clean but I am trying to make progress.  I've ordered a bunch of supplies to help take care of her like diapers, wipes, pads, diaper rash cream, etc.  It's a lot of work to take care of her.  Tonight I had a tidy/cleaning urge so that's why I'm up at 3am.  I mopped the floor with Dawn soap and water but while no longer dirty, it looks dull.  I have to get vinegar.

I fed mom brown rice, chickpeas, and brussels sprouts with lemon for dinner.  I'm pretty sure she hated it but her blood sugars have been   v e r y   slowly coming down, rather than shooting up and then down.

I was buying some more brown rice and looking for some other healthy stuff and came across Forks Over Knives' cooking class, which I've enrolled in.  I also got the idea to test my own blood sugar and it was 195, which indicates pre-diabetes according to the internet (I took it around 2:30am).  My blood pressure was 101/64 and heart rate 76.

This has made me more determined to eat healthy and help my mom eat healthy.  Congestive heart failure is no joke.  Diabetes is especially no joke.  I've seen that first hand.  I need to start making real changes for my health and well-being.

1. get enough sleep at night.  Keep a regular bedtime as much as possible.
2. take a 1 hour walk every day.
3. eat whole plant foods, no oil, low salt and for now no high-fat plant foods
4. stay on top of my business obligations so I don't have to rush

Poking my finger for the blood glucose test hurt, and the finger still kinda hurts.  Enough of that!  I don't want to end up having to poke my finger all day and give myself insulin shots.  I really need to nip this in the bud.

I better go to sleep.  Tomorrow I will be helping my mom and working on the FWSF posts.  Gotta get those done.