VELO and life

 I've been having problems with VELO.  Usually it's my foot pain that distracts me.  Or else Melody.  Or else I'm too sleepy.  When I quiet my mind and make space for peace I get thoughts and hear things instead of silence.   I need to keep focusing back on my sensations and not try to imagine anything.  I remember how Beth was.  I felt like a kindergartner.

My last dreams have been sad.

I hate thinking who I am or my emotions or anything like that is something that others can control.  I shouldn't be that way.

That's why I really want and need to get good at VELO and at what CDP is teaching.  I think over time I will learn, a lot, hopefully.

I miss days when I could hang out at Starbucks and try to write, or read, or whatever.  Everything feels too loaded now.  Not to mention the horrors of the pandemic.

If I could run, I would try that.  It's been so rainy though.

I don't know what to make of everything.  I don't know the Why I guess, behind it all.  I don't understand.

I need to get better control of my money.  I need to stop spending money.  I have for the most part, but it just seems I'm constantly spending or spending a lot.  What I mean is I want to keep in budget.  I hate being over extended.

I should go on a spending freeze.

Every time I try VELO I have trouble.  Foot hurting, sleepiness, cat interruptions, mind drifting.  This is ridiculous.  I need to get it done.

Learning VELO

 I read my last post before this latest experience.  WOW.  I was not expecting what happened to happen.

At least it has made me much more serious about CDP.  I have started it (again) and am trying to actually apply what I am learning.

It's hard now though because my foot is hurt and it's a big distraction when I'm trying to relax.

It seems we have another cat.  Sylvia won't let me pet her too much.  I think I am too impatient about it.

I want to do VELO and get good at it.  It's really hard when my foot aches though.

I NEED TO STAY OFF MY FOOT.  STAY OFF IT.  NO WALKING.  NO DOING STUFF.  This is really, really hard to do.

I wonder if those who I felt could sense or read some of my mind can read this private blog?

I still am trying to put together all that happened.

I want to keep trying to be positive and loving.  The world has enough negativity without me contributing more.  I messed up and I'm sorry but I'm done with putting out that energy.  It's all based on fear and I need to learn how to squash it out of me.  I hate that.  I really, really hated it.

I do feel now though... a sense of freedom or like new beginnings.  Because how much worse can it get?

I think about them and I wonder...I don't know how to meet them really.  Not yet.  That's why I think I need more CDP courses and to get somewhere with that.

In the mean time I am also going to get healthy.  I also need to heal my foot.

I don't know how to explain this to anyone, not even the closest friend can understand, only those who are part of it, I guess.

I don't even know what to explain...

Melody can't relax when Sylvia's around.  Somewhat.

My focus has not been where it was before this.  I have a renewed strength, commitment, desire, I don't know what it is.

I just can't run :(

I'll try to look at all the positives.

I really need to STAY OFF MY FOOT.  It's surprisingly difficult.  It really is.  I put up with the pain and then it becomes unbearable all of a sudden and my left knee starts hurting too (shuffling I think).  So I will STAY OFF FOOT.  STAY OFF OF IT.  NO MORE DOING STUFF.  I will stay off of it.  let it heal.  Let it heal.  Only way to go.  No more pain, no more pain, gotta let it heal.  Heal the heel.  Lol.

Anyway, I might be able to VELO now.  I'll try.

What's Going On Lately

 I have been watching a lot of YouTube videos about near death experiences, and then moved on to channeled angels and things like that.  Apparently this is a period called Ascension and my own life experiences with spirituality makes this make sense to me.

I still need to get a handle on life stuff - caring for mom and dad and cats and family, friends, and just the work - being on top of it and not so far behind.

I remember being a person who was full of joy and laughter and I want to return to that.  I'm not exactly sure what all happened.  I'm lucky to have been raised in a family with a lot of love.  Particularly by my mom and family.

I'm also lucky to have had the experiences I've had.  It's dawning on me that I created them, whether from my soul without my conscious knowing or bungling some of it up on my own consciously and subconsciously.

I want to get my life in order enough to have some structure in my days to pursue all these classes, lessons, interviews, and readings which I'm attracted to but only dabble in because it feels like I never have enough time.

I also feel more serous about getting healthier.  Vegan, whole plant foods, and juicing.  Walking and rebounding.  Dancing and feeling and spreading joy to many.

I want to use my talents and skills to help the world.  There are so many who are owning their spiritual journeys and letting them guide them into their life's purpose - and I want to do that too.

Melody is a gift I'm grateful for.  She's an adorable love bundle just as she is.

I want to get this house beautiful, connect better with my dad, care well for my mom and help her get healthier and stronger.  I'm hoping she'll make it out of the hospital.  I regret not doing more to encourage her to exercise, to switch to plant-based broth with her rice soup.

I can hear them faintly now, and do feel I am somehow connected to them, they watch over me and I matter to them.  I regret not doing more when I was younger to have a bigger impact in the world.  At one time I had larger dreams.  Perhaps with time they will grow again and I can have a great and good impact.

I should probably get some sleep.  Sending love to my mom in the hospital, my dad upstairs, my cat and the garden and stray cats, Louis and children, and all my friends and family.

Focusing on myself, here's what I want to change:

- not be so late with work any more

- get enough sleep

- care for mom and dad better

- care for the cats better so they don't have a long wait

- be a better communicator with patience and kindness and good listening

- start meditating

- start my courses

- eat whole food vegan plant-based and juice

Why would I lose my voice and those who took it laugh?  When can I get it back?  What does this mean?  It seems hard to get answers to this.

I want to know more about those who have talked to and with me.  Those I can hear even now.  I feel they are good.

I also want to know more about myself, my family and friends, and my soul family.

There's just a lot I want to know.

latest happenings

 I forgot I had this blog.  My mom came home from the hospital / Creekside skilled nursing Friday.  It's been a whirlwind since.  Still so much to tidy and clean but I am trying to make progress.  I've ordered a bunch of supplies to help take care of her like diapers, wipes, pads, diaper rash cream, etc.  It's a lot of work to take care of her.  Tonight I had a tidy/cleaning urge so that's why I'm up at 3am.  I mopped the floor with Dawn soap and water but while no longer dirty, it looks dull.  I have to get vinegar.

I fed mom brown rice, chickpeas, and brussels sprouts with lemon for dinner.  I'm pretty sure she hated it but her blood sugars have been   v e r y   slowly coming down, rather than shooting up and then down.

I was buying some more brown rice and looking for some other healthy stuff and came across Forks Over Knives' cooking class, which I've enrolled in.  I also got the idea to test my own blood sugar and it was 195, which indicates pre-diabetes according to the internet (I took it around 2:30am).  My blood pressure was 101/64 and heart rate 76.

This has made me more determined to eat healthy and help my mom eat healthy.  Congestive heart failure is no joke.  Diabetes is especially no joke.  I've seen that first hand.  I need to start making real changes for my health and well-being.

1. get enough sleep at night.  Keep a regular bedtime as much as possible.
2. take a 1 hour walk every day.
3. eat whole plant foods, no oil, low salt and for now no high-fat plant foods
4. stay on top of my business obligations so I don't have to rush

Poking my finger for the blood glucose test hurt, and the finger still kinda hurts.  Enough of that!  I don't want to end up having to poke my finger all day and give myself insulin shots.  I really need to nip this in the bud.

I better go to sleep.  Tomorrow I will be helping my mom and working on the FWSF posts.  Gotta get those done.

too busy

I have a 4 day weekend and a lot to do.  Besides the usual stuff (cleaning up after parents, doing laundry, dishes, helping mom, etc.) I need to clear out my old bedroom so I can put in my things.

I fed the cats and watered the garden, so at least that is done.

I have so much to do I don't want to even list it.  There's just too much to accomplish.

I'll try to drill down to just the most important, the top priority to enable me to move in and not have to pay for storage.

Vanlife Inspiration 5/23/21

I'm making the decision now to give up my studio, stay with my parents and help them, and save up for vanlife.  I'll put in my notice after I see the room today at 3pm.

Today I have to:

wash and dress x
water garden x
refill water & food x
get parent's meds organized on Google sheet
get dad's prescriptions ordered through Optum RX
laundry x
dishes
Petsmart: cat litter
deposit parents' checks
studio/Walmart: mesh soap thingy from sink, gallon zip lock bags

Finish up FWSF posts

First Month Update

 We've been here almost a month and the place is getting cleaner, but it's far from done.  There is more space to live, and it's more uncluttered, but my dad continues to counteract my attempts to keep the place tidy.  I haven't had time to do a deep clean but at least our living space is much better.

I'm also deciding to stay here and give up my studio.  I'll help my mom and save up for a Sprinter, small RV, or tiny home.  If I stay here I'll save money not having to pay $1400 rent.  Right now I have $6,688.20 to my name and these paychecks and bills due soon:

Paychecks
6/3 $1672.50
6/17 $1672.50
7/1 $1672.50
7/9 $? Vacation payout
Total: $5017.50

Balance: $11,705.70

Deductions
June rent: -$1400
May insurance: $469.78

Final Balance ~ $9,500

This will stretch out a lot longer if $1400 isn't being deducted every month.  In fact, I would only last around 4 months.

If I stay at my parents, that $9,500 would last a lot longer:

Monthly Bills (excluding rent, utilities, and food)

car insurance: ~ $80
pet insurance: $13.67
gas for Prius: $35
gifts: $20
Bill total: ~ $175

$9500 can last for 54 months (4.5 years), however I will have income, just not sure how much yet.

FWSF paycheck: ~ $1500 ?
Minus bills, monthly income: $1351.33

I really don't know how much I'll get from the FWSF account.

I better get dressed.  Also have a lot of chores today.