just want to boost myself up

 There's a lot I'm trying to do but I know I'll get it done.  I'm just going to keep working at it and making time for the things I want to do.  I have to remember I have the luxury of time that a LOT of people do not have.  I need to make the most of it.  I need to work out what my priorities are.

Healing foot

Losing weight and getting healthy

Being able to run again

Being lucid and conscious

Taking care of my mom

Progressing inside

Getting more skilled as a visual designer

Understanding my path

Doing rather than dreaming

Having a tidy minimal type room and bathroom and then entire house

Daily OM foot course

 I came across a foot and ankle course through Daily OM and I can't believe how good it is.  I think this is going to solve my foot pain issues.

I think I need about 2 hours just to do the exercises.  I need to schedule my time better so I don't waste it:

1. 1-2 hours foot exercises

2. 1-4 hours CDP + exercises

3. 1 hour Portuguese

4. FWSF / Milagros work

VELO and life

 I've been having problems with VELO.  Usually it's my foot pain that distracts me.  Or else Melody.  Or else I'm too sleepy.  When I quiet my mind and make space for peace I get thoughts and hear things instead of silence.   I need to keep focusing back on my sensations and not try to imagine anything.  I remember how Beth was.  I felt like a kindergartner.

My last dreams have been sad.

I hate thinking who I am or my emotions or anything like that is something that others can control.  I shouldn't be that way.

That's why I really want and need to get good at VELO and at what CDP is teaching.  I think over time I will learn, a lot, hopefully.

I miss days when I could hang out at Starbucks and try to write, or read, or whatever.  Everything feels too loaded now.  Not to mention the horrors of the pandemic.

If I could run, I would try that.  It's been so rainy though.

I don't know what to make of everything.  I don't know the Why I guess, behind it all.  I don't understand.

I need to get better control of my money.  I need to stop spending money.  I have for the most part, but it just seems I'm constantly spending or spending a lot.  What I mean is I want to keep in budget.  I hate being over extended.

I should go on a spending freeze.

Every time I try VELO I have trouble.  Foot hurting, sleepiness, cat interruptions, mind drifting.  This is ridiculous.  I need to get it done.

Learning VELO

 I read my last post before this latest experience.  WOW.  I was not expecting what happened to happen.

At least it has made me much more serious about CDP.  I have started it (again) and am trying to actually apply what I am learning.

It's hard now though because my foot is hurt and it's a big distraction when I'm trying to relax.

It seems we have another cat.  Sylvia won't let me pet her too much.  I think I am too impatient about it.

I want to do VELO and get good at it.  It's really hard when my foot aches though.

I NEED TO STAY OFF MY FOOT.  STAY OFF IT.  NO WALKING.  NO DOING STUFF.  This is really, really hard to do.

I wonder if those who I felt could sense or read some of my mind can read this private blog?

I still am trying to put together all that happened.

I want to keep trying to be positive and loving.  The world has enough negativity without me contributing more.  I messed up and I'm sorry but I'm done with putting out that energy.  It's all based on fear and I need to learn how to squash it out of me.  I hate that.  I really, really hated it.

I do feel now though... a sense of freedom or like new beginnings.  Because how much worse can it get?

I think about them and I wonder...I don't know how to meet them really.  Not yet.  That's why I think I need more CDP courses and to get somewhere with that.

In the mean time I am also going to get healthy.  I also need to heal my foot.

I don't know how to explain this to anyone, not even the closest friend can understand, only those who are part of it, I guess.

I don't even know what to explain...

Melody can't relax when Sylvia's around.  Somewhat.

My focus has not been where it was before this.  I have a renewed strength, commitment, desire, I don't know what it is.

I just can't run :(

I'll try to look at all the positives.

I really need to STAY OFF MY FOOT.  It's surprisingly difficult.  It really is.  I put up with the pain and then it becomes unbearable all of a sudden and my left knee starts hurting too (shuffling I think).  So I will STAY OFF FOOT.  STAY OFF OF IT.  NO MORE DOING STUFF.  I will stay off of it.  let it heal.  Let it heal.  Only way to go.  No more pain, no more pain, gotta let it heal.  Heal the heel.  Lol.

Anyway, I might be able to VELO now.  I'll try.