I'm thinking about how I used to be so in love with Dee, and I'm wondering if we ever met up and became friends would those feelings return? I'm sad, because ...I don't know. I know we loved each other. And I wonder if I will ever experience those kinds of feelings again. I'm not sure, there was such an innocence in me at the time, I was young and that was part of it. I just haven't. It's so rare and precious. Really, really precious. I told her in a dream once that I loved her, maybe even said I loved you so much. But there was the "d" at the end, meaning it was in my past, a memory. Every time I saw her my heart would light up. And sometimes I still seek her out online to keep tabs on her. She has a son and a great life, I know, I'm happy for her. I want her to be happy and I don't think how I am right now would attract her (being fat and lousy haircut lol). We just connected as beings. But I was so in love, years and years and not even in a relationship with her, just in my head and heart I guess. No one can understand it, but it was very real to me. I just loved her. I don't know why it's making me cry now, I haven't thought about her in a long, long time. It turns out we share a lot of common interests that I hadn't realized. Before I thought she was more woo-woo than me, and now I see it as just the truth and the rest of the world is a little blind and misguided. She's a lovely person and I wish her well.
I wonder if Tawkify will turn up anything. If I can save enough for it, it might be an option.
There is always them, lol, I don't even know how to say it, but the real love I felt and knew when I ran in SF.
Gonna work more on lucidity, I feel I can begin to get answers that way.
It's too bad my foot is so hurt. I can't get the exercise I want. I'm glad my bike is coming on Wednesday. Then at least I can exercise.
Typical of me, I am jumping into learning guitar with the aim of eventually being able to write songs. Not sure if you have to have a wonderful voice and range to write songs, but I'll do what I can. My voice isn't that awful. :)
I'm up early today. I'm going to cook a bunch. We have the plumber coming, thank goodness.
I also want to paint and also finish up Milagros. I should probably finish up Milagros but honestly I'd rather paint.
I'm lucky and grateful to have my friends and family. I regret my mistakes in the past, all of them, but gonna be positive and excited about the future.
I feel like I have to finish client work before I can work on Skillcrush. I'm not sure I want to be employed as a Visual Designer since I'm not into full-time work schedules, for Most jobs, but probably not all. Not cheap, just the truth. There are definitely jobs out there that I'd love to work full time on, but they are the ones that feel like play. I've worked full time and even more than full time for a lot of my life, I started working young, and I want room to play and be creative and suck the most out of life now. I don't think it would be wise to lock myself into a full-time dredge kind of work where it's all about the stability but never any self-expression, growth, or fun (or not enough of it). I want my work to be a contribution to the world and also a creative expression of me, and in service to humanity. But I'd probably be good at Visual Design, and might enough it a lot if I get into it. It would support me and probably have good benefits, but there are other ways to support myself, and I'm willing to live cheap, and build up my own business of some sort. I find that exciting. Anyway, I need to make more money to invest and create a cushion but I'm not going to worry about it too much just yet. I'm going to work hard on myself and trust the right thing will either come my way or I'll create it.
I better get cooking. I'd like to meet my guides - them, those helping me I can hear, sense, and play with. They know the big picture more than I do although I can remember and also be humble and learn from them. Funny how bad I was socially. I just do not know what to say about it. That's why I always end up in the mental hospitals. Alas. Not a biggie to me, actually, just a part of life and a place where I usually can get back to life in a more productive way.
I'm going to think over what I'm grateful for and just get to work. Action gets stuff done, not dreaming about it.
I want to cook a bunch so I always have healthy options. Really can't wait for my bike. I should also look up those car bike racks. Maybe call the Helium one, or Public and see what they say about it.
